Why do you smile at me
by Whateversz
Summary: When someone you cherish/are close to smiles at you, it's suppose to be one of the most positive things in life. A smile from them is suppose to be a privilege. Yet Enma sees it as sweet despair. Can Enma overcome the depression and just go for what he wants most? Or will he cower and feel that he's undeserving.. Sadly what he doesn't know is, the only one who can tell you that is-


Hello! Uhm well this is my first FanFic for KhR. I decided to do it on Enma and Tsuna. Uhhh I do get cofused kind of on the numbers thing for the couples but I believe it's 0027/2700 right? Well anyway sorry if that's wrong but I hope you enjoy the story. R&R please to let me know how this is? I didn't review it because I'm lazy so I hope there's no mistakes. I really just had to make this because after reading Of Cardinals and Lions(Only 0027(?) story read so far), I fell in love with this couple. But I wanted to do an angst type of fic. Uhmm if there's something similar I'm sorry! If you feel I should take it down cause it sounds plagiarized (only saying this because I feel this type of specific subject on these two might have been done since it seems like such a nice/easy kinda approach given their story together) then by all means it'll be gone.

Disclaimer: Obv don't own but still just gonna say anyway

P.S: I'm such a/more of a 2718 (TsunaxHibari?) Fan! So basically I'm just saying I'm pretty sure I'll soon write one for them unless you just think I'm terrible lol. Enough pointless talk, hope you enjoy my story/didn't waste your time!

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_Why do you smile at me?_

The way he smiles at me is so unfair…

All I've ever done for him is cause trouble. I made him terrified. I made him almost give up. I made him upset and confused. I blamed him for everything…

I chose not to believe in him. I chose to kill him. I did everything a person should never do to another, no matter the reason, even if found guilty. But he wasn't! He was innocent… I made him suffer the worst possible experience, the loss of the things he cherishes most… The loss of his reasons to live…

Worst of all_**, I**_ almost made him lose his smile…

Life is something one always wishes to control. 'Technically, you do control your own fate.' But that's just naïvely thinking. When all goes wrong in the blink of an eye, you lose hope. You lose faith and strength. You lose all that makes a human strong. You lose your **will**…

Challenges, obstacles, hurdles, problems, issues, all of these things, these same, fucking depressing things, all of them are meant to be overcome.

To persevere and accomplish the goal of having pride and satisfaction in one's life is what we all wish to simply do. We wish to accomplish all of this. We do this to live without regret, to at the end of the day, simply smile…even if it was done just for that…even if I did all the _wrong things, for the right reasons, with the right intentions_… Is it ok? Is it fair to accept the happiness he's given me? I just… I don't know what to do... Am I thinking too much? Am I really just being too fucking stupid for my own good?

If I am, do I deserve it? I can't take it… I feel so guilty… I tried and almost fucking killed him… Now I've fallen in lov-…

As If the devil himself did it, with the perfect timing, Enma hears that creepy, cold and hateful voice. Ever since that battle/struggle in their lives ended, it just screams at him. It tells him he's wrong, he's worthless, he should've just died. Why's he alive? In love with _him_, please! What gives you the right to even have the thought?!

The voice suffocates him. It tortures him. Sometimes at night he's crying in his sleep. Reason being is because he seems to be the only one who still cares about what happened. No, more like _acknowledge_ what happened. How can people forgive you for killing/almost killing you so easily? How could Tsu-… How could _he_ still smile? He even told me that _I_ am his pride. I just can't come to understand.

Even slightly before and even now, I still just cause trouble. I even attract even more bullies to us. I'm just so useless… He calls me his friend with such seriousness every time I ask. Anytime I do ask, he pauses and has that sad look in his eyes. It always freezes my heart and pulse. I'm always thinking is it this time where he finally responds with of course not, how could _I _be friends with _you_? But he never does!

He just smiles with a hint of sadness and always gently whispers of course you are. You're are, still and will always be my friend, my pride. It's so painfully sweet to hear those words. The guilt kills me, but, the happiness, just slightly manages to keep me breathing…

Finally losing his train of thought, he looks up and notices his whereabouts. He's still in school yet it's almost 6pm. He must've been in deep thought for at least 3-4 hours. Since it's this late, he figures there's no one to walk home with and everyone should be home by now. Maybe except a few teachers and some student council members.

As he came to the conclusion though, he spins around and sees Sawada Tsunayoshi, the man he loves, walking through the door. Quite confused and stunned yet also embarrassed, he manages to well, clumsily wave at him. His voice of course choked up with the butterflies swarming around in his stomach.

Tsuna did the one thing Enma loved most in this world, he smiled at him. He immediately waved back, sort of femininely which was of course cute. He also said Enma! In such a happy voice and ended up making small talk on why he's there, why's Enma there, should they walk home together. And best of all does Enma want to go and stay over at Tsuna's house.

The heart pounding sensation that was going on within Enma's body due to his heart was practically at the equivalency to that of a heart attack. He subconsciously concluded that happiness could so definitely kill… Well maybe… Hopefully! …Or not…

Finally after arriving at Tsuna's from Enma's, since he obviously had to get some stuff for the sleep over, they headed up to Tsuna's room immediately. Thankfully Enma wasn't too nervous on the walk there. Frankly, that was thanks to Tsuna since he's such a comfortable person to be around.

Although at times, Enma clearly felt that his heart was going to jump out of his chest or he was just gonna somehow fuck it all up by doing a terrible, random confession. Thankfully God wasn't cruel enough to have that happen, or he was getting too much entertainment already from others.

Since Tsuna's downstairs getting some tea and whatever else, Enma's stuck alone in the room thinking constantly at a ridiculous rate about numerous things. Of course out all times that his depression has to come back, it comes back now.

This is why he hates being alone. Even if for just a second, _this_ always happens; he keeps hearing that fucking_ voice_. It's making fun of him and laughing constantly. It keeps telling him how undeserving he is. Why's he even there? He should leave. Just leave all fucking ready. Disappear and die. You're not truly forgiven. You're pitied.

This time though, it's so severe that it's causing immense physical pain. He's so tired of it. He can't stand it. He ends up yelling at it to shut up and go away. Of course with that yelling, how could Tsuna not hear it?

"ENMA! What happened?! Are you okay? What's the problem?! ENMA!"

With Enma not responding in words, he quickly grabs his hands and attempts to look at his face. Sadly, he sees Enma's face but it's bad. Enma's just staring so eye-wide while also crying. Now Tsuna's stricken with fear and worry, because honestly, the boy looks as if he's just seen death himself.

Tsuna tries to say something to at least try and help him but Enma just shoves Tsuna away and covers his ears. He quickly gets up and runs out of the room. He even leaves his shoes behind to just get away. The pain he's feeling from that fucking voice and the huge amount of guilt has finally flooded. He's snapped and is just completely terrified.

He's way too terrified. He doesn't want to leave Tsuna. He wants him so much. All he wants is to love him. What's so hard about that? He's forgiven wasn't he? Or is this the punishment, to cruelly have him under an unrequited, guilty love for the rest of his life?

Thinking and running at such a fast pace is never a good mix. Since he's so out of focus he doesn't notice his surroundings. The voice of his guilt suddenly commanded him to just stop and accept. He was so confused but quickly understood as he saw the car speeding not yet realizing Enma's there.

He continues to cry but strangely smiles and thinks even though he didn't get to have the one thing he wanted most in this world, just seeing him happy and loving him from a far, was _just enough to die _with _**no regrets**__._

He lets out more tears but now closes his eyes when hearing the honking of the car. Just as he feels the wind from the speed of the car closing in and about to kill him, he notices he wasn't hit. He opens his eyes and feels the gentle heat of something, well more like someone.

Sawada Tsunayoshi was in his dying will mode. Now he just stares at him and starts crying while yelling at him as to why the fuck did he save him?

"WHY DID YOU SAVE ME?! Don't you see I want to die? I have no regrets in the choice… I don't want to see you anymore! Why did you save me before? Why did you forgive me, why am I your pride? How am I such an important friend to you? Why did I have to fall in love wi-…?"

The sudden noise of a slap was loudly heard. Tsuna had slapped Enma so hard it easily left a bruise on Enma's face. He's so furious yet all he can manage to do at the moment is cry. He cries and falls onto Enma. He's lowered his head into his chest while supporting himself by having his hands on Enma's collar. Finally calming down just a bit, he manages to say something.

"…What… What do you mean you'll have no regrets you fucking idiot? How could you do something so stupid? How, how can you stand there and seriously say you don't care if you leave me? HOW CAN YOU JUST FUCKING LEAVE ME?! HUH?! TELL ME?!"

Enma's quite stricken with fear because Tsuna never yells. He's never angry, even if he's pushed to his limit, no, if there even was a limit in Tsuna's emotion for anger, no one would even have the slightest idea. But, Enma has sadly made his decision and he's stupidly/stubbornly decided to stick with it.

"What?! Don't give me that. You selfishly decided to make _me, your pride_! I wished you've never saved me! I never asked you to save me just now! You don't know anything! The way I practically live with the guilt of almost killing you each day, the way I made your smile almost disappear… The way I almost made you lose hope, your reason to live… All I ever do is hate myself and think and think about how undeserving I am to even breathe the same air as you. The voice that I hear in my head every fucking day cursing at me and telling me how I'm worthless, undeserving, how I should just fucking die… I'm so tired of it Decimo…"

Tsuna hates being called that. And Enma should easily know best since they're_ best friends_. The unfamiliarity and the coldness from Enma's voice shake Tsuna because he knows Enma's dead set on… On…killing himself…

"Enma… I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's my entire fault isn't it? I… I'm sorry but please don't kill yourself…if you leave me… What's the point in me living?! There's no point! If you die then I should die too!"

That _illogical_ statement sent Enma's mind to just blank out terribly. He didn't want that. Tsuna dying… Him living… No even if he was dead as well, Tsuna not being alive… That's worse than anything in the world for Enma. He doesn't want that. He doesn't even want to imagine that. All he wants is to stop living like this and to just have/see Tsuna smile every day.

"No, you can't do that! If you die then there's absolutely no meaning to anything! If I solely die you can be free of me and Shimons. You can be happy…... I just… You'll be able to smile…"

"What do you mean smile? How can I smile if the one person I want to smile and be with for the rest of my life is gone?! How the hell can I smile about that you idiot!"

Enma's, now, just honestly shocked. He doesn't know what to do. It's as if Tsuna confessed to him just now. Everything's so confusing and everything is moving too fast to comprehend. From depression, to confessions, unexplained actions, feelings, simple thought, everything is just going too fast and is quite confusing. But... He's happy and flushed from the honest and embarrassing statement that Tsuna's just said. He really can't believe that this is reality. But his train of thought is broken due to what Tsuna says next…

"Don't you see? Don't you just fucking get it?! You keep telling me you don't deserve me. That you and I would be better off if you're dead. The only person that has the right to determine if you deserve me is me! I… No one could possibly be happy if the person they love, if the people they love die! Haven't you realized that with the loss of your parents?

"If you _solely die_, then there's absolutely no meaning for _my_ existence… I selfishly made you my pride for a reason. And that reason, that ever so simple reason, is because I love you."

That honestly, just finally did it. It finally cracked through Enma's thick skull. It made him sob uncontrollably. It made him hold on to Tsuna for dear life. It made him show his true feelings, but best of all, it finally made him sincerely smile.

Due to the emotions pouring out of Enma, Tsuna felt that he could finally breathe. He knew Enma was clam and wouldn't do anything stupid anymore. He knew his selfish yet mutual desires have finally been granted.

As they wipe the tears off each other, while gazing so deeply into the eyes of the other. They slowly inch closer. Now by just a hair's breath, Enma and Tsuna share their last words before they kiss…

"Tsuna, why were you able to smile so happily at me all this time?"

"Baka... Because I love you…"


End file.
